Meet Jamun. He’s creative, enthusiastic, and endlessly curious. Jamun can converse for hours about nuanced, fascinating topics such as the chemistry of chocolate-making and the ethical dilemmas of artificial intelligence.
Jamun also has ADHD.
Between his strengths, passions, and the fact that he loves people, you’d think Jamun would have a boatload of friends. Yet when he socializes, he feels deeply insecure.
In fact, he ruminates endlessly prior to parties, work meetings, and dates. Afterward, he beats himself up for the things he said and did “wrong,” convinced that others simply don’t like him.
In addition to ADHD, Jamun has social anxiety, which he discovers by taking our free social anxiety self-assessment. He’s definitely not alone, nor anywhere near the first person with ADHD who’s sought our help overcoming social anxiety.
Results of the National Comorbidity Survey Replication compiled by Kessler et al. (2006) indicate that about ½ of all adults with ADHD have an anxiety disorder as compared to 1/5th of non-ADHD adults.
Roughly 1 in 3 individuals with ADHD meet the diagnostic criteria for social anxiety disorder. That’s compared to 7.8% – or less than 1 in 10 – neurotypical adults.
What is Social Anxiety?
→ Free Quiz: Do I Have Social Anxiety?
In our initial sessions, I teach Jamun what social anxiety is and how it relates to ADHD.
I explain that social anxiety disorder (SAD) causes intense fear and anxiety in social situations. People with SAD may worry about being judged, embarrassed, or rejected by others. They may avoid social situations altogether, or they may only attend social events with a lot of anxiety.
What are the Symptoms of Social Anxiety?
The symptoms of social anxiety can vary from person to person and may include:
Fear of public speaking or performing in front of others
Fear of meeting new people
Fear of eating or drinking in front of others
Fear of using public restrooms
Fear of being judged or evaluated by others
Blushing
Trembling
Sweating
Rapid heartbeat
Feeling sick to your stomach
Feeling dizzy or lightheaded
Difficulty speaking
Avoiding social situations.
Avoiding dating situations, including talking to attractive people.
→ Free Quiz: Do I Have Dating Anxiety?
Jamun and I take a close look at his relationship to social anxiety, including his fear-based thoughts, physical symptoms, and behaviors in social situations.
What are the Traits of ADHD that May Contribute to Social Anxiety?
Jamun’s eager to understand the relationship between his ADHD and social anxiety. Did his ADHD cause his social anxiety? If so, how?
No causative relationship has been established between ADHD and social anxiety. That said, people with ADHD may have certain traits that make them more likely to develop social anxiety. These traits include:
Impulsivity: Folx with ADHD may be more likely to say or do things without thinking, which can lead to embarrassing situations.
Hyperactivity: People with ADHD may be more likely to fidget or move around in social situations, which can be distracting and make others uncomfortable.
Inattention: Individuals with ADHD may have trouble paying attention in social situations, which can make it difficult to follow conversations or keep up with social cues.
Underdeveloped social skills: People with ADHD may have difficulty understanding and responding to social cues, which can make it difficult to make friends or build relationships.
Rejection sensitive dysphoria: Folx with ADHD may be especially sensitive to rejection, which in turn prompts them to lash out at perceived criticism or abandonment, develop low self-esteem, and avoid socializing altogether.
How Can I Manage Social Anxiety if I Have ADHD?
Next up, Jamun and I discuss ways to build confidence and overcome social anxiety as an individual with ADHD.
If you have ADHD and social anxiety, there are a number of things you can do to manage your symptoms and improve your social skills. These include:
Exposure therapy: This behavioral therapy involves gradual exposure to anxiety-provoking stimuli to help desensitize the brain. This allows socially anxious individuals to face their fears in manageable doses, using their skills along the way, and over time, their brains stop associating socializing and dating with fear.
Self-care: You may experience a significant reduction in anxiety by shoring up your self-care, including getting enough high-quality sleep, eating nourishing food, meditating, exercising, and minimizing stimulating substances and activities (e.g. caffeine, true crime documentaries, quality time with your loving-yet-highly-anxious mother).
Social skills training: Learning and practicing social skills can significantly reduce social anxiety. I help Jamun develop his skills by role-playing anxiety-provoking social situations such as making small talk at a party. He participates in a mock date with one of my dating coach teammates in order to assess and improve his dating skills.
Medication: Medication prescribed by a doctor experienced with treating social anxiety may help manage your symptoms.
Self-help strategies: There are a number of self-help strategies that can help you manage social anxiety. These include:
Practicing relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation
Setting realistic goals for yourself
Building your self-confidence
Learning how to read social cues
Practicing social skills
Joining social groups or clubs
Talking to a friend or loved one about your anxiety
Emotional Regulation Tools for ADHD and Relationships
As Jamun’s self-confidence grows, he begins to socialize and date more. While he’s ecstatic that he’s building more friendships and even embarking on a committed romantic relationship, he shares that his emotions are “all over the place,” which negatively impacts his new relationships.
I explain to Jamun that his experience isn’t surprising or unusual. One of the biggest pain points for people with ADHD in relationships is emotional regulation. Folx with ADHD often have difficulty managing their emotions, which can lead to conflict and frustration in relationships.
Together, we review a number of emotional regulation tools that can be helpful for people with ADHD. These include:
Identifying your triggers: The first step to managing your emotions is to identify your triggers. What are the things that tend to make you feel anxious, angry, or frustrated? Once you know your triggers, you can start to develop strategies for avoiding them or coping with them in a healthy way.
Taking a break: When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a break. Go for a walk, listen to music, or do something else that helps you calm down.
Expressing your feelings in a healthy way: It's important to be able to express your feelings in a healthy way. If you're feeling angry, try using I-Statements to talk about it in a calm and assertive way. If you're feeling sad, try to talk about it with someone you trust.
Seeking professional help: If you're struggling to manage your emotions, don't be afraid to seek professional help. A skilled relationship therapist can teach you coping mechanisms and help you develop a plan for managing your ADHD and social anxiety.
Managing social anxiety and emotional regulation can be challenging for people with ADHD, but it is possible. By seeking professional help, learning self-help strategies, and using emotional regulation tools, you can improve your social skills and build healthy relationships.
Professional support can help you overcome social anxiety and ADHD
If your social anxiety is severe, it is important to seek help from a social anxiety disorder specialist who’s skilled at working with individuals with ADHD. A skilled anxiety therapist can help you understand your symptoms and develop coping mechanisms.
Individual therapy can help you learn how to manage your anxiety, heal the roots of your fears, and build confidence by expanding your comfort zone.
Social anxiety group therapy can help you improve your social skills and face your fears in a group of like-minded peers.