Social anxiety and dating anxiety show up differently from one individual to the next.
For some, small talk with someone they find attractive gets their heart pounding. Others feel calm in one-on-one interactions but sweat at any mention of attending a party or speaking in public.
As such, treatment for social anxiety and dating anxiety should match your individual symptoms, anxiety triggers, and temperament.
If you’ve previously sought help and seen limited results, take heart -- many social anxiety sufferers experience relief when they identify their best-fit treatment.
At the Social Anxiety Support Center and Bay Area Dating Coach, we’ve seen hundreds of clients successfully overcome anxiety and build the relationships they desire by using some or all of the following approaches.
1. Get to Know (Your) Social Anxiety
Read recovery books, attend social anxiety groups, and observe yourself. Get to know your relationship to social anxiety. Once you understand the nature of social anxiety and how you relate to it, you will have greater ease as you cultivate the courage to build meaningful relationships.
2. Learn How to Self-Soothe
Acquire tools to help soothe yourself in anxiety-provoking situations. Mindfulness, deep breathing, self-massage, or even a cup of chamomile tea can comfort an anxious heart. Use your newfound tools on a daily basis so that they become second nature in social situations.
3. Adopt a Low-Anxiety Lifestyle
Anxiety is allergic to self-care! Lower your base level of anxiety by paying special attention to your “basic needs” – eat a healthy diet, rest and get quality sleep, exercise, and avoid caffeine. In addition, attend to your spiritual, creative, and personal development needs -- journal, paint, dance, and otherwise seek joy. The results may surprise you.
4. Transform Self-Hatred into Self-Love
Start to observe your self-critical thoughts. Listen carefully -- how does your inner critic put you down? See the critic as a character separate from you, one that you can tune out, turn down, and even address directly.
5. Practice Mindful Self-Compassion
As you start to quiet your inner critic's dialogue, fill your mind with self-affirming statements. Speak to yourself as you would a loved one. Persist even if your self-talk worsens; inner critics, like most bullies, get louder when threatened. Stay focused on offering yourself compassion, gentleness, and affirmations.
6. Don’t Believe Everything You Think
Begin to question your thoughts about social situations. If you catch yourself ruminating about your boss’ bad mood, replace your fears of rejection with empathy for his high levels of stress. If you’re obsessing about an awkward moment from last night’s date, refocus on the moments of connection. Use cognitive behavioral therapy exercises to identify and correct your thinking errors.
7. Get Creative
Anxiety stops spontaneity and joy in its tracks. Rebel! Create, play, and enjoy yourself wherever you can. Let music, drama, dance, and any other artistic practice rewire your brain for greater flexibility and emotional expression. And if you “aren’t a creative person,” find a friend, book, or community to help you develop your inner artist.
8. Dig Deep
Explore the connection between your history and anxiety. Do you fear others’ judgment because you were criticized and bullied as a child? Have racism, sexism, sizeism, or other societal -isms taught you that you’re not good enough? Are you terrified of dating because you grew up watching your parents constantly fight and eventually divorce? Once you’ve uncovered the roots of your anxiety, you’ll have a chance to choose a new future rather than reliving the past.
9. Befriend Small Talk
Do you find that your anxiety is the greatest in unstructured environments? Develop an internal sense of structure and predictability by learning the do’s and don’ts of socializing.
There are countless resources available to help you improve your social skills, including books, videos, and workshops. In fact, we created two resources to help you improve your dating skills: Dating Conversation Skills and Big Talk and Heart-Opening Questions: Conversation Tips for Shy Introverts Who Can’t Seem to Find an LTR.
10. Challenge Your Comfort Zone
Once you’ve developed the ability to self-soothe, find ways to challenge your anxiety. Progressively expose yourself to anxiety-inducing situations -- as you face your fears armed with your newfound skills and insights, your brain will slowly stop associating social situations with fear. A few great ways to take baby steps towards your goals include:
Visualizing yourself communicating effectively in situations you fear
Role-playing
Attending events that provide a structured social environment (e.g. social anxiety therapy groups, improvisation classes, speed dating events)
11. Get Support
Don’t try to heal from anxiety on your own! As social animals, we need one another for comfort and support. Find trustworthy peers, a skilled social anxiety therapist, and communities who understand what you’re going through. As the old proverb goes, a sorrow shared is but half a trouble, but a joy that's shared is a joy made double.
If you’d like to explore the above approaches to overcoming social anxiety, reach out to us. We’ll happily discuss treatment options and get you started with a therapist who can tailor treatment to your unique needs.