Most human beings periodically leave social situations worrying about whether they made a good impression.
Yet chronic and debilitating fears of social embarrassment, humiliation, or rejection amount to more than fleeting, garden-variety shyness. If you constantly worry that others dislike you, you may struggle with social anxiety disorder (SAD).
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You are in good company if you avoid dating, hate parties, or prefer a root canal over public speaking. The National Institute for Mental Health estimates 7.1% of the United States population experiences social anxiety disorder.
In addition to physical symptoms (e.g., blushing, trembling) and anxiety-fueled behaviors (e.g., avoiding eye contact or small talk), social anxiety affects your thinking in the form of seemingly endless self-critical thoughts.
How cognitive distortions cause social anxiety
Cognitive behavioral therapists refer to the automatic negative thoughts characteristic of anxiety disorders as cognitive distortions.
These anxiety-provoking thought patterns kick off a vicious cycle of emotions and behaviors that reduce your self-esteem and willingness to take social risks.
For example, let’s imagine you attend a coworker’s birthday party. Not knowing many people there makes you feel uncomfortable; you think I must be the most awkward person here.
Preoccupied with your terminal awkwardness, you stand in a corner and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Unfortunately, your anxiety comes off as aloofness, discouraging others from conversing with you. As a result, you feel bored, lonely, and ashamed. You leave the party early, concluding I’m just not likable.
Your disappointing party-going experience lowers your self-esteem and prompts you to avoid such events in the future, limiting your opportunities to make new friends. Feeling isolated and socially stagnant, you double down on your conclusion that nobody likes you.
And on and on the vicious cycle goes.
Psychotherapists treat social anxiety via cognitive restructuring, a research-backed approach to correcting cognitive distortions. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) – the gold-standard treatment for SAD – couples cognitive restructuring with exposure therapy. This one-two punch naturally increases social confidence by combating distorted thinking and social avoidance, which tend to go hand in hand.
Common Cognitive Distortions in Social Anxiety Disorder
Let’s review some distorted thought patterns typical for those with social anxiety disorder.
As you’ll see in the following examples, many social anxiety thoughts incorporate multiple cognitive distortions simultaneously.
Mind Reading
Assuming the thoughts and judgments of others without sufficient evidence.
My teacher just yawned during my presentation – he must think I’m stupid and boring.
It’s been a day since I texted my crush, and I haven’t heard anything. She’s probably on a date with someone she finds much more interesting right now.
The cashier at the grocery store didn’t even make eye contact with me. They probably think I’m ugly!
Catastrophizing
Anticipating the worst-case scenario in social situations.
It'll be an absolute disaster if I say yes to leading this week’s team meeting. They’ll see I’m an anxious mess, not to mention an imposter. Surely I’ll be fired!
Oh my gosh, I was way too talkative on that date! She’s never going to talk to me again. That’s it, my love life’s over – I’m going to be alone forever.
My therapist seemed annoyed with me this week. If he doesn’t even like me, I’m doomed! I’m never going to be confident or happy.
Overgeneralization
Applying one negative experience to all related scenarios.
I didn’t get the promotion I really wanted, just like I expected. I must really suck at my job.
My neighbor passed by without saying hello. People just don’t want to talk to me.
My boyfriend broke up with me because I’m undatable. I should just give up on finding love.
Personalization
Taking unrelated events or the behavior of others as a personal reflection.
My friend invited me to this club but keeps talking to other people instead of me. I must have done something to upset her!
My boss’ email was terse. I was probably being too needy and annoying him.
I’m not getting any matches on the dating apps. I’m unattractive and suck at messaging.
Emotional Reasoning
Interpreting reality based on emotions rather than objective evidence.
I feel *really* uncomfortable speaking up in class. I know I make other people feel uncomfortable. I don’t belong here.
I feel sad and alone. I’m failing at life!
I’m really anxious at this party. I’m such a nervous mess, and I bet people can tell. I’m bringing the vibe down – I should just leave.
Should Statements
Holding oneself to an inflexible and high standard of behavior.
I should be able to approach attractive women and ask them out confidently. What’s wrong with me?
I shouldn’t tremble or shake when giving a public presentation – clearly, I have no business being a leader in this company.
I should have lots of friends who want to spend all their free time with me! I shouldn’t have Saturdays with nothing to do. I’m a loser.
Filtering
Focusing exclusively on the negative aspects of a situation while ignoring anything positive.
Oh my gosh, Cara seemed distant after we kissed. I bet I suck at kissing. Sure, we hung out for three hours, and she said she wanted to see me again, but she was probably just being nice.
My boss told me I did great in our big client meeting, but I don’t think so. The client asked a bunch of questions I didn’t know how to answer. I totally fumbled that, and I’m sure we will lose that client account!
I may have gotten an “A” on my paper, but I froze when I presented my findings to the class, so it doesn’t count. I suck.
Labeling
Assigning labels to oneself or others based on limited information.
My mom keeps telling me I need to be more confident to make more friends. I’m such a weak person!
Mezy hasn’t returned my text about catching a movie sometime this weekend. They probably think I’m a needy loser.
Ugh, I’m so socially awkward. People on the street don’t even want to make eye contact with me!
All-or-Nothing Thinking
Seeing things in black-and-white terms.
My coworker told me to turn down my music and seemed annoyed. I’ve failed at building a positive relationship with them!
Oh my gosh, someone got up and left the room when I made my best man speech. My partner reassured me they probably just went to the bathroom, but I think they left because I’m a terrible public speaker!
The grocery store clerk didn’t smile at me or say much; people just don’t like me.
Fortune Telling
Predicting the future negatively without evidence.
I’m going to make a total fool of myself at Seri’s party on Saturday, I just know it!
I’m not even going to apply for that job even though I *really* want it; I know I’ll bomb the interview, and they’ll see I’m an awkward mess.
I need help with my social anxiety, but joining a therapy group would make me feel worse about myself.
Restructuring Cognitive Distortions, aka Challenging Common Social Anxiety Thoughts
Thankfully, you can restructure distorted thoughts and, in turn, reduce your social anxiety.
One of my favorite tools for this comes from cognitive-behavioral therapy; it’s called an ABCD log. In it, you write down:
What Activated your anxiety
The cognitive distortions at play (aka your Beliefs)
The Consequences of those beliefs, including your feelings & behaviors
Dispute thoughts, i.e., thoughts that reframe the activating situation in positive, anxiety-reducing ways
Here’s how to create a thought log using the ABCD process, step-by-step:
Create your log.
Create your log using a Word document, spreadsheet, or pen and paper. Split the document into four sections titled A, B, C & D. You might also add a section for tracking the date of your log entries so that you can review your progress over time.
Write down an event that caused you anxiety.
In the "A” section, briefly describe an occurrence that recently caused your social anxiety to spike.
Example: Jamun said no to going on a second date because she’s “not feeling a romantic connection.”
Log your beliefs, aka cognitive distortions.
In the section titled “B,” write down all your negative thoughts due to the activating event you identified in the last step. Then, determine which cognitive distortions are at play in your thinking.
Example:
“I’m ALWAYS friend-zoned. I’m going to be single forever!” Overgeneralizing, catastrophizing.
“I bet I bored her to death. I felt so nervous – I’m sure I was a terrible conversationalist and made her feel super awkward.” Emotional reasoning, mind reading, personalizing.
“I should have asked her more questions. And made more jokes. Dating shouldn’t be this hard! What’s wrong with me?” Should statements.
Record the consequences, i.e., your feelings and behaviors.
In the section titled “C,” take note of the emotions, sensations, and behaviors you’re experiencing as a result of the activating event and your beliefs.
Emotions refer to feelings such as sadness or fear, while sensations refer to bodily experiences such as a racing heart or tight throat. You can think of sensations as the body registering its emotions (along with other biological experiences, e.g., hunger or fatigue).
It may be helpful to rate your emotions on a scale of 0-10.
Example:
Emotions: Sadness (3/10), shame (10/10), fear (9/10)
Sensations: Tightness in my chest, clenching/queasy stomach, heat in my face.
Behaviors: I deleted all of my apps and canceled my next date. I’ve been staring at a wall, thinking obsessively about what I did wrong instead of working.
List your dispute thoughts.
In the "D” section, list thoughts that positively reframe the situation and combat your distorted thinking.
Here are some excellent questions to ask yourself when disputing your automatic negative thoughts:
Is there solid evidence for my thoughts? Are my thoughts based on facts or your interpretation of the situation?
Could there be an alternative explanation? Is there another way to view the situation?
Is this thought helpful? Is my thinking about the situation helping or hindering me?
Is this always true? Has it always been true in the past?
Why am I so sure of the conclusion I’ve reached? What would a trusted friend say about my reasoning?
Am I looking at the whole picture? How else might I view this situation?
What are the odds of this happening or being true? What would another person say the odds are, and how different is that from my estimation?
How does this negative thinking serve me? Have I filtered out some information to confirm my negative core beliefs?
Examples:
Ok, so I guess I’m not always friend-zoned. I’ve had two serious girlfriends before. Also, some women I go out with want to see me again, but I turn *them* down because I don’t feel a romantic connection. They aren’t terrible or unattractive; they just aren’t for me.
The odds of me ending up single forever are probably much lower than I expect. I’m sad and afraid, which sometimes makes me assume the worst-case scenario.
I have no evidence that I bored my date or made her feel awkward. She said nothing of the sort.
My negative thoughts in this situation might be my social anxiety’s way of protecting me from future hurt. So in that way, it serves to keep me from taking risks. But that’s not the life I want to live. I’m willing to feel hurt at times to find love.
Just because this relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me. Dating’s complex, and not every connection will work out, even for the most attractive people in the world.
Conclusion
If you struggle with social anxiety disorder (SAD), you know first-hand what it’s like to be caught in a hellish loop of self-criticism. These automatic negative thought patterns – called cognitive distortions – fuel anxiety and low self-esteem.
Common cognitive distortions in SAD include:
Mind Reading: Assuming others' thoughts without evidence.
Catastrophizing: Anticipating worst-case scenarios.
Overgeneralization: Applying a single negative experience to all related situations.
Personalization: Viewing unrelated events as a personal reflection.
Emotional Reasoning: Interpreting reality based on emotions, not objective evidence.
Should Statements: Holding oneself to an inflexible, high behavior standard.
Filtering: Focusing only on negative aspects, ignoring the positive.
Labeling: Assigning labels based on limited information.
All-or-Nothing Thinking: Seeing things in black-and-white terms.
Fortune Telling: Predicting the future negatively without evidence.
One way psychotherapists treat social anxiety is through cognitive restructuring. You can use an ABCD log to identify what Activated your fear, the Beliefs (cognitive distortions) at play, the Consequences (feelings & behaviors), and how to Dispute these thoughts. This cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tool allows people to understand and reframe their distorted thinking, thereby reducing social anxiety.
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